“Life of The Obnoxious Occult”

I know I haven’t been writing in awhile and technically this is a wrong time to be writing. But then I thought that since I am online googling for my Thailand Business Presentation, might as well tell on my new Ambition. The Last One too…

Last year as what my friends and I remembered was the semester of unethical controversy. It was when I told them that I wanted to have a child, my kid with my ovum  and some random sperm donor from Chicago Sperm Bank but in some else womb. It makes a lot of sense to me, but not too many others unfortunately. And then was the question of raising them, putting them in glass room so I could see them from my office. Well I guess it depends to individual interpretation.

Anyway, just recently I came out with another ambition. The last time I had an ambition it was coming to study overseas with to be even with my folks. Feelings like “I got to do what my parents did and may be more”. Now that I am getting there and hopefully finishing off pretty soon I would like to work on my new ambition. I think this is a whole new side of me, belief to be developed recently.

I am grateful that last summer changed my perspective on many things, like motherhood and some other. My last ambition is to be mother. I know your jaws would most probably drop wide by now but you know time can change a person. I know it is ridiculous to say it now, but it’s an ambition- I’ll get there, no time soon then may be later.

Even the ambition is a thought from the heart; still the world wouldn’t allow it. I really hope that one day faith would be on my side. But then again maybe the world is preparing me, or maybe it is scared that I would fail in becoming one. I d I don’t know but I do hope for the best.

It’s been awhile since I last wrote something.… I guess I was just simply being busy. I’m sure by now my English is also crappy and my super excellent grammar is pissing everybody off. I am supposed to be studying or doing my presentation or even my assignment which I am well aware that it is due next week but I hardly have any ideas on what to write. Well then, to bad…

Since my last post, many great things happen in my life, something that is new and exciting at the same time gave spooky ad-reline. Blood rush, or whatever u can call it, is still a major issue, nevertheless ones need to get used to it, and make used of the limited time that one has. Well I tend to do my words.

My trip to Korea was awesome, the ski trip especially, I can’t imagine my self skiing from the top of the mountain slop. God! At the time I felt as if I was going to die. I was thinking of all those people below and in front of me. How can you ever avoid all this foreign bitches!…. Damm it, I keep saying fuck all the way down the slop. It was interesting but I ain’t gonna do it without an instructor next time, no more second degree slop.

What else aey,  ohh… the Korean food was tasty, and mommy was so scared that she couldn’t eat the food that she bought along rendang and serunding. So techinically for the first couple of days, we were eating KoreanMalay food. Maner aci!… but later I guess she got use to it and enjoyed herself to the traditional kimchi  breakfast, kimchi lunch, and kimchi dinner…. It gets pretty boring after awhile, but it was worth an experience.

The Korean experience was just partially the holiday trill. More exhilarating, was the remainder of the time. My time well spent with my kekasih, and fair amount with my friends, and family. And I am pretty sure that everybody was satisfied enough with my division, just some are a bit more greedy than others – in a good way tho. What I really regret is that I didn’t have time to meet up with my old buddies, my old school mates- kindda promise them to go for Roti Chanai or something but just couldn’t get hold of time. I’m a bugga and I am sorry.

Ok, its quarter to 11pm so I think I better get started on my AWE again….

Its summer don’t u wish u can be on the beach the whole day instead of studying? …  exception, It was raining today tho…

peace to the world.

Its 7.04 am, here I am, stood still in my kitchen drinking my apple carrot juice and eating my controversial cookies. Well to my expectation my cookies were good. Oatmeal and raisins were not my favorite choice but, I made use of ingredients that I have. Listening to Cat Empire, always leads me to a head start. Munching my cookies, and I know that I’m supposed to be fasting today, and meaning I cant eat anything at all till 6.30 pm. Well, my head still hurt so I decide to take “asprin”, I’m on “fasting holiday today”, weeeeeee….. Don’t question why I’m awake at this hour. Consequences of too much “panadols”, and too much sleep I supposed.

The cookie tragedy,

Well supposed that everybody reading knows how clumsy I can be and I’ll do anything, absolutely anything to keep myself occupied. Yesterday was my day. Sunday is usually the time I wake up late after a “big nite out” or in this case, another whole day of boredom. Sunday is also the day where by I’ll stay in my bed, and watched soaps or “try” to clean my room. But this Sunday, is different. I woke up a bit early than usual, took a shower, clean my room, and then I ponder what am I supposed to do next. It’s a miracle isn’t? All mothers wish that their daughter would wake up early on a Sunday morning, and started cleaning. Wow that is one in a million Sunday for me.

In my towels, I sat on my bed and began to imagine, I do admit that I have a pretty wild imagination. Hmm, I told myself, what so else should I do today? Small voice in my head rang me, why don’t you be Rockstar? Yup, that is exactly what I did, dancing around in my towels to Wolfmother- Joker and the Thief, then moves on to Fergie-London Bridge. Wow, I like to dance even though I know I couldn’t. Visualizing that I have a guitar in my hand and bowing to the crowds, and miming to songs after songs, felt like you in a Foo Fighters band. Moving on to Justin Timberlake – SexyBack, felt like sexy and bitchy and you’re a slut kindda thing. But most relaxing one was my Cat Empire, and The Joker, by Steve Miller Band, now that’s comforting. You see, if anybody ought to see me from outside, they would probably think I’m going nuts. I don’t really care actually, even my friends considers me as “weirdo” or “unique”. Well thy both meant the same thing but I prefer the second one, I’m simply unique.

By the time I’m done dancing, I was already tired, coz yesterday I was fasting, thirsty and exhausted, I laid myself on my bed. Beside the fact that dancing had also made my hair dry so I don’t have to worry bout not getting my sheets wet. I look at the window and I saw how beautiful the sky was. Suddenly, Champy my housemate walk in on me. Huh, thank God she’s a woman. She was asking stapler or something like that, and then she left. I stare again at the sky from my window, then Pali my other housemate walk in on me, asking for something else. Gosh, I can’t get any privacy anymore, can’t I?  I decided to wake up and get dressed, couple minutes later, my friend came over. By then I had decided to go make myself cookies.

I’m not a “Baking Freak”, or whatever but I just feel released when baking or even cooking for that matter. The time for myself without anybody watching over, and doing things how I wanted to do it, makes me feel good. I’ll cut my veggies slanting, horizontal, or even vertical for that matter. And I put whatever I want in my dish. It’s like making art, even better when it is eatable. I’m not a good cook, but I do feel appreciated when my friends wallop everything I cooked. Love shoving stuff into them, it’s an awesome feeling.

My cookies were made out of oatmeal, raisins, butter, brown sugar, white sugar, some flour, pinch of salt, and a couple drops of vanilla essence. Don’t ask me the measurements, coz I don’t really measure this time. I just simply chuck them in the bowl and start stirring. Well the first batch of cookies turn out great. It was golden brown and shiny and all, and smelling good. After the second one, Burney’s friends came in, they were all guys, so I decide to put my cookies in the oven, and go upstairs. I don’t know them and I refused to be friendly with them caused I don’t understand them. So leave it that way.

Doing my thing in my room I realized that I forgotten my cookies, I ran down stairs, slipped, fell splat on the floor, I went blank for awhile. Pali and Burney were very helpful, she at least try to make me wake up, and I just sat there leaning at the kitchen cabinet, trying to figure out which part of my body had hurt. Everything seems so numb I didn’t scream or cried I was just blurred. When my pal came rushing down, I was just simply laughing at myself, I actually have no words to describe my pain. They got me a bag of peas to put on my face. The frozen peas didn’t do much help to ease the pain; in fact it just stuck there. Like your tongue glued to ice. Then I found out that my knee really hurts, and my face is uneven, beside the fact that the fall gave me a blue blusher. I suffer from a minor head concussion, but thankfully I recovered. Then I asked myself a couple of questions that only I knew the answer, well I’m good, I’ll be alright. My head still goes “gedding!!” but I’m sure I’ll be fine. I was not glad of baking cookies. Not yesterday at least.

After awhile, I couldn’t bare the pain so I took panadols, and I cooked my meal, I ate, and I took some more panadols. I didn’t even finish my food, and I was fasting. Well we were supposed to watched Grey’s Anatomy, she did but I slept thru it. When I woke up I realized she’s gone and it was about midnight, I took a shower, and more panadols, and went back to bed. My head hurts like crazy when I wake up, and I just realized I had an extra cheek bone and a more noticeable blue blusher. I wonder how I’m supposed to deal with it today in Uni.

Now that is simply unique aint’it?…

Small is beautiful, small are not stupid.

I guess Daly and Schumacher does conquer my opinion at this state. Small is beautiful. Is not only that, Daly and Schumacher are economist, and they are more concern about how moderation can make this world a better place. These authors of “Small is Beautiful”, proves to us not only economy needs moderation but life itself should be treated in small doses.

Currently, despite my situation of “cannot sleep state”, and “fuck I got two summaries due today at 11 am”, I’m still capable of blogging. Which I regard as mostly bogus, and unreadable. Well I believed I should reward myself for this, writing in desperate times while listening to The Joker by Steve Miller Band. Which apparently keep repeating over and over again, yet I have not attempted to stop it.

Lets us continue, as I said before, Small is Beautiful. In context of economics go read it yourself. I am sure that it is a good book, and my professor do recommend us reading it, well not me  coz it seems that I don’t have time for old dusty best selling books.

Well anyway, think of this,

Small house made ideal for single people, while big houses are for families. And for that matter if you are alone and u lived in a big house which is going to be empty and therefore you’d probably would suffer Auto-phobia. Which we all know can cause severe emotional damage such as bitterness or even becoming Mr. Scourged.

Then take a look at this, small thoughts can make a whole lot of difference, even some huge ones cant. Example, giving your old buddy a call, or even messaging her on msn would make her world more livable. So she don’t have to put an act to make her fall asleep and go on with her day.  And for that matter, she won’t be writing this crap. My point is to all, are those small thoughts can make our day, making our life worth living for. Trust me; you would want to live life well.

On the other hand, big things that we tend to take more seriously like buying gifts for birthdays and whatever, doesn’t have many effects to on-going relationship. For me, wishing me Happy Birthday means a lot to me already, it can instantly make me smile, and a peck on my cheeks would made me blushed. It’s a very simple thing to do but yet people are so pickkie on the end results yet they forgot the little details that make it all possible.

What I am trying to get out of this is that, have small thoughts for family, for friends for our loved ones.  For that matter remind them how much they meant to you frequently, how much you need them to make your world a better place. How much you loved them, coz once they are gone they’re gone forever. And I insist that you correct your mistakes while it is still a pea, coz when they started growing bigger its hard for you to identify what started it in the first place.  Well, for that matter, here’s something’s I’d figured out. Mistakes that everyone should take note of.

I lost a couple of people in my life that I shouldn’t have.

• I should of made apology earlier so we would still be friends,

• I should have told him how much he meant to me, and how much I don’t want him to be other gals.

• I should have told him how much it made me jealous that he went out with her, and that I felt like killing him.

• I should have told her the same thing.

Instead I did nothing. I watched them from far and punished myself, and felt stupid. Dumb!… Don’t follow!

• I should have not dragged him into my life.

• I should have not substituted him for someone I tried to forget.

• I should have not seduced him.

• I should have not made promises.

• I should have not kept him in my right pocket.

• I should have not pretended to loved him.

Instead I did all I can to make him mine, and so he fell for my lies. Right now I don’t know how to undo this, and how to let him go without hurting him as much. Dumb!… Don’t follow!

• I should have told him that I like him even if I’m fatty.

• I should have told him that even he irritates most of us; we don’t mind having him in small doses.

• I should have told him how thankful I am for that night.

• I should have told him that I missed him dearly.

Instead I let him be “My Jilted Love”. No other words can best explained.

• I should have told her how I felt.

• I should have told her my opinion and stick to it.

• I should have confronted her about our issues.

• I should have not trusted her with all my hearts.

• I should have not depended on her.

Instead I let it be, couldn’t be bothered caused I think “I’m Done, I had  Enough.” Therefore, I got ditched! Dumb!… Don’t follow!

Actually there’s many more, but I think this is all for now. Take lessons from it even though I know that NO person would have had the guts to do what I have just done. Ohh, well….

P/s:

I just re read this, and forgive me; I don’t know what I am writing. It’s currently 3.15am and I am not making a lot of sense. But I do know that somewhere between the lines, there is a meaning, a subtle opnion that everyone of us should consider.

Why would u ever let me go?

I was trying to make myself go to bed just now, so I started a role play inside my head. I know its wicked and its extremely odd, but still u know it does help me go to bed quickly especially when I have a lot of things in my head. The scene was when I left Malaysia to pursue my dream. Well, ambition I supposed. I was there inside my car chasing thru time, and we were minuets away from departure and all of a sudden this person wanting to show up so badly, that he too had chased the time. As granted he did made it in time, and managed to catch my hands. His, was cold as he was scared of his action, but he believed in it. He held me tight at one point but then he let me go….His hand slipped away, I went away….

I was denying the fact that he was no more interested in me, and there’s no doubt at all. I thought it was a fake, lie, untruthful, pretending just him wanting to fuck around. But I guess I’m denying all of that. It hurts me before that I have to face the fact, and to me, the reality I’m facing is bullshit. Well now to my concern its not. I had never understood his action, his ways, and his reaction towards all of this until this moment. Now I know why he did it.

I’m sorry it took me so much time to understand your concept, it’s still very vague but I’m sure later on I’ll fully consume on it. Now I know why u let me go. It’s sad, that’s all I can say, simply sad. When u loved someone so much, at one time u has to let her/him go. He did let me go, now its time for me to do so too. The idea of him letting me go, killed me, but the thought of me letting him exit, awaken me.

I realized that when my reminiscences reflects his actions. I’m laughing at myself now, thinking that this “thing” has been going on for ages, and yet the solution is so bloody simple. Well, I guess when u are in a one way road u can’t be expecting two way cars. In this situation I was the one way, I kept thinking that everything was not in order, not as planned and furthermore not as what I wanted it to be. So therefore, I tried to fix it. I tried so hard, first to fixed myself and fixed my opponents. Well, I didn’t get the picture at the time.

Now I do.

I guess it’s right, when u want something so bad, and u know u not going to get it, u might as well think of other options. In other words, instead of aiming for the stars, how about aim for the apples on the tree. Realistically, I knew it from the beginning, however me simply being me, the person that I am would not let myself consumed the truth that it was never going to be mine. I ponder for awhile just now, thinking how pathetic I had become, making the story so sympathetic, making the veracity unwelcome, not to forget making the people involve worst off. What the hell was I thinking? He’d had let me go, so should I. But why is it so hard?

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this world. I’m not the only one facing this kind of problems. So I guess, I’m just one of many out there trying hard to face the truth.  I know it’s hard but it is not impossible.

Hey you know what, life has to move on, time aren’t waiting for us, as it passes by we’ll have wrinkles, and back pains, and tiredness, and all other sorts of things. So what, fuck it with the past, we all learned something, and we grew out of it. Now its time for a change of idea, mentality, and perhaps making wise decisions. Moreover, we are becoming adults. As they say, “With Great Power, comes Great Responsibility”. 

The  purpose of writing this is still vague, but what the hell, i got a 6000words essay due , a midterm to catch and a summary about how dumm people behave due next week. i practically got my hands tied.

Strange, but something happen this morning, to my surprised i wasn’t that sob as much as i thgt i would be. i mean the news was incredible, but ohhh well, what the heck, its over now, its really over.My Friends was like, we all have new people in our lives now that we should be happy about so enjoy the moment. Fuck it with what had happen in the past, now we are moving on at the road that are to rapid to think Thur.Evidently, i still don’t get, but i promised myself that i soon get it somehow… someone bang me on the head.

Over the past months or so, life has been ok, we have our emo moment, our own denial, and our over happy temper. which is totally wicked, but now i seems to realized that I’m not as what i should project myself. I’m soo bloody free to anything and to think of anything as if the world is goin to end tomorrow and i should try as many possible things that i should. For the fact that I’m sure of, I’m an agnostic. Donno how i became that but ohh well, another part of me that my parents would totally hate to read.For other thy just might think that I’m one of those other typical human, who is not trying to be humane… Evil is my motto, and sorrow is my motivation. keeps me goin, and goin, and goin…. I don’t care much bout what other think as well, or even the fact what thy had done to me, dict-hing is just another word of not being friendly.

I was in class just now and i was supposed to be learning about how ethical we as person should behave and how we should project a certain type of attitudes to make this world a better place.Fuck… what the hell did i just said, they even make a whole subject on it….please, don’t u agree that if there is no greed and evil outcome in this world , the place would just be to quite?…..

we need sarcasm’s to keep us alert, we need distraction so therefor come developments, and we need greed to generate economy.Apart of that, all this bad people in this world is trying to id just balancing the workbook. Ledgers need to be balance aey .For companies to make profits they must have an alternative sound check to make sure their profits keep running and they’ll never go bankrupt. heaven and hell to work we must have an equal amount of people in each, wouldn’t u think so?… but for that matter we still need to be human, which is also a person , that this sense of duty of care. we care for people that care for us.Don’t We?

regards to that, how do we determine who to care, how do we take care of that people  we so called "LoVe"…. Two very easy question but there is no such right answers…. Are we moral enough to justified it?…

laSt night,about midnight or so, i was disturbed this really loud knock on my door… my reaction was like, come on guys i got 10min before I’m actually 20 please give me a break……

At the time i was writing… writing bout what had happen last year….At the time i was recalling all of the painful and hysterical events that happen to me, all those incidents, that i believed if i hadn’t been there this would never happen…..most of them were random, and i only wrote the highly impacts ones..

Pali, my housemate,was like, izza there’s people here waiting for u….come down quickly….am like,i i haven’t finished yet….i went down nway…there it was the home made buttercake with green icing,with a pink voodoo doll in the middle surrounded by candles…i saw all my other housemates gather around and singing my birthday song…. i was stunt…i just froze until,champy decide to take my hand to the table and asked me to blow the candle out….the blowing part seems like the longest part of the event…i didn’t do it in one shot,but trice…what the hell?…. so we went on, chatting, and eating cakes, and on, and on, and on……

And here i am , awake eating yesterday leftovers, and blogging. I just realized that i actually wake  up very early this morning, at 7.00am, but i stayed in bed, and grateful that I’m twenty, still alive, healthy, even tho I’m broke, but its OK….I’m not like any-other unfortunate.I Re-caped again on what happen last year, what is my mission this year, and what should i expect from the future,and how these things can effect you in many ways. i believed that i do  have regrets, pain , and anger that i hope i wont experience it in the future, however, i still have Curiosity and Dreams to be fulfilled, and by far that is the most important things i need to concentrate on.

HMMM…. i made it Thur my first few hours, and i hope I’ll make it Thur my next few decades…

Thanks to EveryBody that makes my Day WoRth liVin…

Well, the oTher day i started approving all this testimonial  that contained all this muchi-mushi thggy… Sometimes it really bugs me, Gosh but i guess some other time you might need it aey… Well frankly, i do not fancy this muchi-mushi thingy, its get me off really quickly. hahaha, i would say that’s weird, but ooh well….

hey wait the minute, what the hell am i writing here?…

supposed it is from the person u care most, well i dint know… but don’t u think its better off saying it in front of Ur face rather than telling it without seeing the other half of the picture?…i mean, some times u might not meant what u said rite?…. or  how would you know, if a person meant it or not, if u cant see their body language and all…. i dint know how am i supposed to judge this but i really, i believed its up the person itself. Everybody has its on personality, and blah, blah, blah…. so its up the up to the person ya….too bad, coz i would really get turn off really soon if i overheard this muchi-mushio thing…

Don’t get offended tho, its just me, that’s how i think… but a Little bit would be Super cUte…

And aey, its the end of the month and I’m officially MufLis….Geee that’s really the word for it, i mean me and my buddy were like welfare people, first shot was the tram ticket, i mean we actually dig…. keep on digging from all my old wallies, my coin purse, even at one point we thought 5cent was our precious… Gosh, its all because of shoes….. Its The Shoes….

Then it was the makan part, well thank god somebody owes me something, even i dint consider it as owing, but still at that time anything thing seems oho OK….Thanks guys..

and yesterday, i was trying to bake bread…. Amazing isn’t… i woke up earlier than usual, which is about before midday… then  i went to the kitchen… i decided   i shall make bread today… the thing  is, i have nothing else to eat, and i was super hungry…. so i dint have eggs, or yeast which apparently is by far the most important ingredient of all bread making but all i have is flour… Hah!… this would do the trick, digging the fridge, i saw, custard…. weee i thgt, it shows that its made off, sugar, milk , eggs, blah, blah blah….i saw the ’sugar’ and ‘milk’, and eGGs’ part , i said to my self, wallah…. were making bread today…

so the SmaRt me, was like  thinking, how did that  man  from these cooking show, make them sooo bloody easy…. huh, so i start putting the flour, and the custard, and couple spoons of water… geee, this is a dough, i told myself… more looks like some yellow stickky pudding,  then i got smart and started to put more flour, and start kneeing on it….. a couple of minutes later, after all my ten fingers got dirty and sticky, it became a  dough…. Ha Wat a success… next trick was to put it in a baking thggy… dint know Wat its called… Anyhow, i manage to pull it from one side to another… its was soo elastic… am like, i can shot a crow with this!… hmmm, then i tght i got it in, and chuck it into the oven… after awhile only i realized that i heat it up yet… hUH, stuPid ain’t it?….. i was laughing at myself, looking at my floured hands, which is ukkie…..But OHH well, it was worth a try…

30minutes later, i went a check on it, and I’m like… it looks good…weeeeee,I’m so happie…. then i took it out, and started cutting it, well, it looks good, but more like a scone thggy, but it taste like flour…. simply just flour…. when its warm u eat it with butter and then only it taste good, and i also attempt eating it with jam and peanut butter, but i guess the peanut butter didn’t work as well as jam did…. i even let my buddy tasted it…hah… she didn’t die… i repeat she Did Not Die….  well thank god!… she tght it was OK, with butter and jam, that is….

Crazy… I’m Simply Crazy….

I’m awake at 3 in the morning trying to figure out why the hell i cant fell asleep again, and started to message people that i wanna talk to. Geeee, at 3 it seems like  a good idea to wait for someone to hit u back, gosh stupid i supposed. By half past, I’m already having my box of ciggy and mellows. I haven’t had burnt mellows on bread in a long time, i sat on the kitchen counter, with a ciggy in one hand, while the other trying to burn the mellows from the stove. It was rainin again, i look out the window thinking how lonely i was, and how pathetic i had become.

i remembered the time when i was in school, i went  out camping and we had this bond fire thingy goin on, we all grab twigs and start burning our mellows to the point we  all had sugar rush. And everybody started singing their hearts out just letting   it out , and then dancing to a completely disgusting song, with some dude, trying his best at guitar, which still didn’t make up the rhythm. it seems at that time, we all had a song in our heads, and followed it, we memorized it and we stick to it. We had something to hold on, and we would  go back to that song to pick us up again. Half a decade later, I’ve lost mine, i did try to recall it once or twice, seems no answer. Back then , everything we did had an explanation, some logic, now  i DoNt kNow…….pity rite?

i need get something out of my system, my guilt, my unmade up mind, my sorrow, and a bunch of other crap, seems to be stuck in my head, jammed. It seems like  the New York Bridge, everything seems slow and packed in the peak hour, u felt like Ur stuck there forever and the bridge would fall apart, and u sunk Ur self  and thousand others in the sea, or u have faith and wait until traffic is smooth so u can go ahead.  I need to get  my fucked up mind as smooth as it should, so i go on with my sleep and my life.

i have to say I’m very unfortunate when it comes to writing English or even my mother tongue Malay, so i do apologize if my grammar and other language skills in my writing is not as adequate as my academic level. But what matter is that i love writing and why I’m writing i have no  bloody idea. Hum Drum , i guess.

i need to do something, express myself so i can feel lighter,  and frankly i have no idea how to do so.I’m just confused , simply because………

Serendipity, just simple luck that coincidentally came around the corner. Its just verry simple it pops around ya , and u seldom know bout it. what am i saying  here, i  also not very sure, but what i know is that serendipity, it happens. the thought of in  always came across my mind, my life. i always wonder if u ever get involve with someone that sometimes the being with it depreciate?… well ya does it depreciate?… i donno, but from what i can see is that u choose on what u wanna do for ur life, ur outline ur track and path and u decide whether t follow it or to diverse from it. yet Serendipity, it still its not in ur way, or on ur track , but it just happens…. isn’t totally cool…Totally. Really, its gud to know between two worlds ,  there’s still some sense….

p/s,

I’m not making sense today, so I’ll write again later.